i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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