I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
