mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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