I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
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