id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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