After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
