He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
