I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i wish my penis had a tongue
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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