I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My feet surprised me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
