Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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