he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You're like the curious george of whores
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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