Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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