Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
