I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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