Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How does one acquire holy water?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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