my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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