good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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