yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
