Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize