If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
