My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Randomize
