so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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