so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
