cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
