Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
