i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
