Say something about gay babies.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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