Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
