im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
