what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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