He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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