My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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