So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
