I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
