So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
