I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
