i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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