end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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