does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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