I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Enjoy the penises
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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