i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
