Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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