Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
