worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
