Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
