well I can't set my house on fire every night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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