dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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