i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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