Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
