Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
