i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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