you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Ketchup is God's man juice
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
