I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i came on her dog
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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