he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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