i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
