Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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